I think I died a long time ago.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
