on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
