I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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