omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
