remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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