The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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