he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
