I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
