i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My pussy is not your playground.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning