Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke