He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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