Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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