his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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