just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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