My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
