tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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