everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
