I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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