he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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