we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
