Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
