She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
