Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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