take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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