im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
