so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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