we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
