Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
