he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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