Don't make out with my wife yet
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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