i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
