I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i out mim tonsoeep
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
