Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
