What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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