Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
