I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
