need another drink. this is the easiest way
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
