i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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