I wish my penis had an off switch
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
