my mouth tastes like poor choices
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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