I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
