Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
