your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
