she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
