Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Enjoy the penises
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
