weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You ate ashes out of my bong
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
