now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
