my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
