So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
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I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize