there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
