The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
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Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
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You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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