woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
