I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
