Life is so much better after having sex.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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