So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
