i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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