i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
